I’m not a happy-clappy person, but my team are, and it gets me down

In most workplaces, being part of a team is a standard part of the deal. Teams can be made up of an array of people with different personalities, experiences and skills. This can be a positive experience, but if you’re different to your team, it can raise a variety of challenges. 

Maybe your other team members bond over shared hobbies, or they all have a relentlessly positive attitude. No matter what, nothing seems to get them down. 

Meanwhile, your brain works differently. You find it difficult to be happy when you have a looming deadline. Perhaps you’re going through a stressful time at home and just don’t have the energy to be happy. Maybe your personality isn’t happy-go-lucky like your teammates.

You want to fit in and get involved, but you find yourself quietly on the periphery of the group observing the happy-clappy gang, and it’s beginning to grate on you. They’re chatting away, making jokes. Meanwhile, your boss is driving you mad, your project is coming up against barriers, and they just continue bouncing around in a state of happy bliss; it’s beginning to stress you out.

Why can’t you just be happy like them? 

Comparison is a very human behaviour

Psychologist Leon Festinger developed a theory in 1954 called Social Comparison Theory, explaining that individuals determine their own social and personal worth based on how they compare to others. So it turns out you aren’t the only one that looks at others and thinks, why aren’t I more like them? 

But as Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy,” so it's no wonder comparing yourself to others is getting you down. So the question really is, what can you do about it? 

At Laughology, when we notice unhelpful thought patterns creep in, we have a way of re-framing the perspective on a situation. We call it FLIP-it Thinking. Using this tool, here are some tips to help you when you feel the stress of comparison beginning to creep in.

Change your focus.

Focusing on things you cannot control will disempower you; concentrating on the things you can influence and change is a much better approach. 

Maybe you aren’t the same as your teammates, but this can be a good thing. The brilliant book ‘Rebel Ideas’ by Matthew Syed (2019) talks about the power of Diversity and Collective Intelligence and how it makes teams stronger. 

To have a diverse team, you must have different personalities, experiences, and skills. So switch your thinking from Why am I not happy-clappy like everyone and re-focus to asking what do I bring to the team?

Embrace your strengths

Knowing your strengths will help you get clear on what you bring to the team.

• Are you a great listener? 
• Do you have a strong eye for detail, noticing what others do not? 
• Are you great at problem-solving?
• Do you have a dry wit that makes others smile?

Make a list of all your positive attributes (if this is something you struggle with, get a friend or trusted colleague to help you come up with a list). Recognise these are what you can bring to the team, write them down and pull them out when you need a reminder and a little boost. 

Not everything is always as it seems

While your team members appear happy-clappy, remember that we never really know what people are going through behind closed doors. The happy persona may mask a whole array of different things. 

Human beings are diverse, and there is beauty in that. But as much as we can be diverse, we share the experience of vulnerability - we all love, we all hurt, and we all want to be valued for who we are. When you embrace who you are rather than conforming to fit in, you will shine brightly as your capabilities will come through. In doing so, you never know the positive impact you may just make on someone else. 

If you want to explore FLIP or any other topics discussed in this blog with us, contact our Doug, a man of many talents - doug@laughology.co.uk - to learn more about how we can deliver a session online or in person.