2017 is going to be just fine - as soon as we have triggered hard Galaxit
We're are all back at work and looking forward to a happy 2017. To reassure everyone that 2017 is going to be just fine, we have asked some of our Laughologists to give us their predictions for the coming year.
Not content with removing itself from the European Union, 2017 will see little Britain attempt to remove itself entirely from the Milky Way. Yesterday, Thanet local, Bill End was pro Galaxit and welcomed the proposed move and added that it “Wouldn’t be long before ET's started landing here knicking our jobs, homes and women, so the sooner we get Out, out to a Galaxy far far away the better". When asked how he thought this huge move might happen he replied: “Not my problem".
The now ancient art of communicating through spoken language will slowly disappear. By the end of 2017 all inhabitants of the world will communicate using only a series of mimed emoticons. A spokesperson for this new form of face to face interaction was quoted as saying that old fashioned speaking was "" and if "" weren't ""about it they can ""!!
The future of voice controlled personal assistants looks bleak as all Amazon Echo's ( also known as Alexa) will be returned to stores across the country as everyone realises that whilst it may play music, tell you a joke and inform you of the weather, it will not cook dinner, tidy up or have sex with you!!
1. In hairdressing 2017 is predicted to be BIG and BLONDE. The recent surprise successes of politicians such as Donald Trump and Boris Johnson are believed to be the inspiration for this new trend. A senior employee from a cutting edge barber’s in London was quoted: ‘I can confirm we have trebled our order of peroxide.’
2. Children aged 5 upwards will be employed by the government to teach our ageing population how to use social media this year. Jacob, age 6 from Manchester said: ‘I’m doing it for the haribo.’ A government spokesperson said: ‘We think this is a wonderful idea to help the elderly engage with the modern world, and it’s also an excellent opportunity to build a bridge across generations.’ Classes will start in March 2017 on Friday afternoon in schools so that teachers can go home at lunchtime.
3. Sadly it is thought that famous people will continue to die in 2017 as a cure for death has not yet been found.
2017 looks to bring some light refreshment in the shape of a new world order. Finally, after trying hard to coordinate diaries, Lady Luck, Mother Nature, The Tooth Fairy and Santa will attempt to restore faith in humanity, spread a little happiness and magic to make the world a better place once more. They will pool their resources and take back control of our planet. Consultants Sir David Attenborough, and Dr Brian (smiley) Cox have been rumoured to be on board with developing ideas.
‘Last year was a bit of disaster all round’ Said the Tooth Fairy. ‘ It all went a bit off kilter to be honest; it’s a good time to forge this alliance and get some good stuff going on’. Ideas have already been suggested to be discussed at the group’s first meeting later this month.
Mother Nature, it is rumoured had nominated the idea of ‘more rainbows all round, more sunshine in the north of England, maybe reaching as far as Scotland too.
As for the rest of the world, ideas around a stricter ‘naughty and good list’ has been put forward by Santa, his spokesman, Mr S Elf has said ‘its all a bit hush hush at the moment, but what he is suggesting could change the face of politics as we know it, worldwide! People are really going to have to have a good old think about their actions and behaviours!
This year will be filled with more technological advances than Star Treck’s First Contact, with the biggest advances in education. The future of teaching and schooling will change. Children will be taught by virtual teachers who are game characters from Pokémon go and Angry birds. This will increase engagement and decrease class sizes. Drones will be sent to collect children who bunk off and used as a way to drop homework in and collect from kids who have left theirs at home - or so they say.
Advances in medical science allowing for three parent babies will allow Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin to jointly impregnate Katie Hopkins, the resulting spawn will be named Damien and go on to be the new leader of UKIP.